I Got Flexed on By an Old Guy


This is a gruesome story and if you are the least bit squirmy, stop reading now.

Today I went to the doctors. Don’t worry, I am fine and in peak physical condition. As with any doctors’ visit, I checked in and then sat down in the socially distanced waiting room. I chose my typical seat, as far away from anyone as possible and where no one can sit behind me. It’s a classic spy move, so I can be sure to observe and survey the whole room and so no one can sneak up on me. I am careful not to watch people when they can see me but am sure to observe my surroundings.

In walks your typical old person. Like classic overweight old guy. He walked in slow with his black Velcro shoes and blue button-down shirt tucked into slacks with an elastic waistband. His shirt pocket was typically overfilled with too many things. He checked in and then made his way over to a chair that was a bit close to me for my liking. We are two of three total people in the waiting room.

Then something happened. Something that hadn’t happened to me in a long time and completely caught me off guard. While I was scrolling through my phone, passing the time until my name was called, I felt something. I felt like someone was eye balling me. You know the feeling. So I casually looked up in a direction where I knew no one was. Then casually scanned the room in a way where I would not make eye contact with anyone.

Yup. The old guy was staring right at me.

I thought to myself, ok bro, get a good look then chill. I went back to looking at my phone and the feeling never left. I told myself to wait a whole minute. Maybe his eyesight is bad and he really was trying to check me out.

No. This was not the case.

Over the next five minutes time seemed to move in slow motion. Every time I looked up and did my scan, he was staring right at me. I felt like he was DARING me to make eye contact so he could start some standard old person conversation. Probably something about how it’s unseasonably warm, or could I believe the news about something.

He was NOT going to win. I was not going to give into his glare and give him the satisfaction of having a human interaction with me. Instead, he was able to completely assert his dominance, continuing to follow me even as my name was called and I walk to the door.

If I have learned anything, it’s that when I am old and no one wants to talk to me, I am going to do the exact same thing. I am going to let every young whipper snapper know how much of a complete pansy they are by staring them down and daring to have small talk with me.

Touché sir. Touché.



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~Fancy Mike

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