What Type of Neighbor Are You?

Intellectual Nebula

What Kind of Neighbor Are You?

Suberbia. The Big City. Dorm Room. Middle of Nowhere. Regardless of where you live, 99.9% of us have some sort of neighbor. 0.1% of people who say they don’t have a neighbor are technically lying. Everyone has some type of neighbor; the immediate proximity is the only thing that varies.

The question is though: What type of neighbor are you?

There are only three options.

  1. Crazy Asshole
  2. Overly Friendly / Borderline Nosey
  3. Complete Recluse

That is it. Oh sure, you can argue the grey areas, but ultimately, at our core, it’s just one. Here’s a quick breakdown of each one, then let me know in the comments who you think you are.

Crazy Asshole

First test, if you don’t immediately think of this person, it’s you. Sorry. Facts. This person is constantly doing things that everyone in the neighborhood hates and is constantly talking about them behind their backs. They usually have an unkempt yard and just random junk everywhere. If their yard is nice, then they are the one with a fucking laser detection system to ensure the “neighborhood riff raff” stays off it. The trickiest of characters are the ones who lure you in with their seemingly normal behavior. Then you start to notice some quirks. You may even start to make excuses for them. Next thing you know, you’re in their basement meth lab, breaking up a fight between two baby mommas. If it smells like shit, probably is shit.

If you see red flags, stay away and stick to the quick wave and immediate break in eye contact.

Overly Friendly / Borderline Nosey

                I hope that so many of you are triggered right now. If this is you, YOU ARE THE WORST. There is no avoiding the claws of your grasp. When I get home from work, and get out of my truck, I can feel your eyes on me. You want me to say hi so you can come over and start a conversation about absolutely NOTHING. No. I do not want to talk about the weather with you. No. I do not want to hear the gossip about the other neighbors. NO. I will not share anything about my shit, because I know you’re just going to share it with everyone else. This is the person who, once they perceive themselves as your “friend” just invites themselves over anytime they see you outside. They have no problem asking to borrow anything, and have no problem asking for your help with anything. Next thing you know, you’re carrying shit for them, watching their pets and giving them way too many beers. The thing is, they are genuinely good people, which keeps them out of the crazy category, but doesn’t stop them from being insanely annoying.

 

Complete Recluse

Welp. I guess you know which one I am. Here’s the deal. I have friends. I like my friends. I may be open to having new friends, but I am not about to have a Step Brothers moment.Best Friends Bff GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY I am happy with a smile and a wave and a heaping portion of mind my own damn business. I don’t need to borrow anything from anyone, and I certainly do not lend out shit. Ever. No one treats your shit like you do, and more often than not tools get returned in subpar conditions. I would rather take my snow blower and do a neighbor’s driveway myself, then lend it to someone and hear all the rocks they are sucking up run through it. Also, everyone has enough drama on their own. I don’t need to hear about other people’s drama or who’s divorcing who. It just makes it that much harder to smile and wave when you know Stacey from two doors down is cheating on her husband with Jeff from the house on the corner. I don’t need to know that. Not my business. If you’re ever driving through my neighborhood, feel free not to stop by, but give me a nice wave and keep on going.

What kind of neighbor are you?

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~ Urgo

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