Congratulations! You Won the Imaginary Race!

I am competitive.

You should know this, and if you have not already, read: I, Coach Urgo am a Drug Addict

Right now though, I am coming to you as Fancy Mike and when I am not trying to bury my opponent in an agreed upon competition, I am not flying over double yellow lines and cutting people at the grocery store like a total moronic jerk bag.

Seriously, I am trying my best not to curse on these blogs, we will see how long that lasts.

It is really, really, really, really hard not to curse, especially in the rants.

This is just that kind of a blog. A funny satirical rant about stupid people.

(Or people who do stupid things for our PC friends)

I digress.

I leave my house at 4:30 am for hockey practice every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and for all intents and purposes I am involuntarily sucked into a NASCAR race.

I want to address two things separately here:

  1. Driving like a buffoon
  2. The need to be in front of someone in a line anywhere

On the first topic, and trust me, 16 - 21-year-old Urgo was a complete and utter degenerate when it came to being behind the wheel. Like seriously, it was as if my foot weighed 500 lbs and I treated every road like it was a track in Gran Turismo. Which, to this day was my favorite game: Gran Turismo 3. I still drive fast(er)(ish) *cough* always within the speed limit *cough* (see the Camaro I rented in Vegas?), but I am not talking about driving fast on the highway right now. I am talking about 2 lane roads, traffic circles and people swerving around over double yellows.


I have barely had two sips of coffee before some jacked up pickup truck with their high beams on is three inches from my back bumper. People need to have some chill man, there’s zero chill right now.

Which leaves me to my next point.

Once they get around me… GUESS WHAT!? There’s another car, and another car and another car! Going the same speed! On the one road to get towards Baltimore! We are all going in the same general direction!

Which got me to thinking: Why?

Why is it so necessary for people to get some where seconds before someone else? Just this morning, a truck passed me over the double yellow, cut me off and then we stuck for ten miles in front of me, but behind an 18-wheeler.


Did they think to themselves: “Yes, I WON, I am in the lead!”

Because, um… no you’re not, you’re behind the same 18-wheeler I was behind. We literally arrived at the stop light at the exact same time. The same goes to the crazy lady in Walmart the other day that saw me going to the checkout line and double timed it to get in front of me. First of all, there is more than one checkout line. Second of all, if you are really in that big of a rush, just ask if you can go in front of me. Third of all, maybe just don’t be weird.

But, I know, that’s hard to ask of people of Walmart anyways, so maybe that’s a poor example.

Either way, when you’re feeling impatient and you start to act like an idiot, stop and think of Fancy Mike… slowly shaking his head at you.


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