Author: Mike Urgo
Two weeks ago, in Episode 33, I talked through finding value to build relationships. Finding value throughout conversations can prove to be difficult depending on the conversation. But there are ways to prepare and recognize different aspects of a conversation that can help you navigate them to better achieve your desired outcome.
I like to think of conversations as a card game and games that fit into four categories.
The first is where you know you’re in a game, but the other person is not aware that you’re playing. The second is when the other person is playing the game, but you’re unaware or only aware later or after the fact. The third is where both parties know they are playing and the last is when both parties don’t want to play.
I want to start with the last category, because this is the easiest one to describe and for me the easiest to play. In these games, both parties in the conversation have no interest in playing any games. They are both ok with whatever the outcome of the conversation is, so they just put all their cards on the table. I liken it to when I was a kid playing “Go Fish” with my grandma, and we just put our hands on the table. I remember asking if she had a certain card with a sick sort of glee knowing that she did, because they were all on the table.
These conversations are just simple and easy. It can almost feel at times that the conversation itself isn’t even necessary. I find these conversations occur when you have a deep understanding and trust for the opposing party and it’s usually built over years of shared experiences.
What happens when you don’t know you’re in a game? The outcome being positive or negative is ultimately dependent on the opposing player. If their main objective is to help, then the outcome will mostly be positive. However, it could end up negative if you, as the other party, refuse to show any cards. This is why it’s important to work to understand what kind of conversations you are taking part in as a participant.
An example of this for me is when I am going through it, when life is tough, I have a great group of friends and family that are always there for me. Sometimes, I tend to try and “soldier up” as I call it and make sure people know I can do it on my own. This means that sometimes I miss opportunities for others to help, because I am holding my cards too close.
This can happen as a leader or manager too on the other side. Most good leaders can sense when someone on their team is going through something. When they feel it, it makes sense to pull that person aside and check in on them. The intent for the leader is to first check in and make sure they are ok, but also to see how they can help. If the other person isn’t aware of their intent of the “game” or conversation, they can feel like it’s best for them to say that everything is fine. This is solved by the party who is aware of their intent or the game by just stating as such. Something like: Hey, I know something’s up, I just want you to know I am here for you and would love to help any way I can.
This leads me to the other side of the game where you know you want to play but the other party doesn’t. The best thing you can do is clearly state the intended outcome of the conversation. Your goal is to bring the other party into the game, not to take advantage. I have found that there are some people who enjoy the perceived power of having control of a conversation. What I have noticed is that there’s a good chance you can get what you want out of that conversation, and sometimes you can even get people to knowingly show cards that they weren’t prepared to in those conversations. The problem is, more often or not, the other person will realize what has happened and can feel like the other party took advantage of them.
So, it’s my recommendation that either you strive to be in a game where both parties are not only aware that they are playing, but before the game starts, try and agree on an outcome for the game. A perfect example of this is making sure there’s a purpose and agenda in calendar entries for work meetings. There’s nothing worse than getting a meeting with no context or agenda that just says “Catch up”. We have all received those invites and let our minds wander to the end of the world on the possibilities surrounding the meeting. What can make it even worse is when the meeting is not the same day, but days or weeks away. This can lead your brain to wander to parts unknown.
Rather, if you have your purpose stated with agenda items, you will find that it’s exponentially easier to not only get what you need out of the conversation, but the opposing party or “player” in the game will be much more upon to show more of their “cards” and play an even game in the future. On the other hand, if games are played unfairly, it leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths and the game becomes more contentious and tactical. The more contentious and tactical conversations become, the more unproductive they become. Being in a room with someone who you know is on the defensive for one reason or another, is extremely uncomfortable for everyone. The same can be said when having a conversation with someone who you think is trying to dig for a card that isn’t theirs to have. Knowing boundaries and respecting them is just as important as stating the purpose for conversations.
Ultimately, keeping these different types of games in mind and thinking about others when having conversations, will not only help you continue to build and maintain meaningful relationships, it will also help you accomplish more with others. It takes intentional mental effort to be aware of these things and be a leader in the conversations.
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